Ask Pam: A Tried and Tested Guide
by Team Jane
Summary: One-Shot for the Snarky Sidekick Contest: The Vampire/Human marriage law has passed. Pam, along with her newly written book, and her internet researched teaching lessons, teaches a cooking class, offering relationship advice to the Louisiana Vampires.


The Snarky Sidekick Contest

Title: **Ask Pam: A Tried and Testing Guide to Human Vampire Relations**

Characters: Pam, Victor, Rasul, Bill, Eric, and Sookie

Word Count: 6,620

Pen Name: Team Jane

Beta: BathshebaRocks

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in the SVM series, and I cannot even lay claim on Jack Daniels.

Summary: This story takes place after DAG and after one of my other stories, _Dead at the Moment_. The marriage law has passed and vampires can now marry their human companions. Pam has been secretly videotaping Eric and Sookie, and decided to capitalize on the new law by writing a relationship book. Pam convinces Eric that the vampires need an education on how to handle their humans, and graciously offers to teach the class. Pam confuses the idiom 'icing on the cake' and enrolls all the vampires in a cooking class, Pam style.

You do not have to have read my other story to read this, but keep in mind that Victor is King.

Pam walked into the warehouse armed with her whip. She had her 'bible' in hand: her newly written book covering vampire/human relations. She vaguely remembered her human days of long passed where her Governess would smack her with a ruler if she misbehaved. With the advancement of the times came the advancement of more formidable disciplinary weapons.

She knew that to get the vampires in the Louisiana Territories on the same page regarding the newly instituted marriage law, she had to seek advice from women that knew how to get the job done. _Dear Abby _was the cornerstone, the very foundation of knowledge, the expert in all things, but _Alex, Dylan, and Natalie _knew how to execute a plan to perfection. For her seminar she incorporated Dear Abby's suggestions, but took her cues from Alex, _The Efficiency Expert_. Yes, not only was Pam an avid reader of Dear Abby, but also a die-hard _Charlie's Angels _fan.

She walked down a long hallway. The warehouse and surrounding land was a registered in the name of Leif Erickson, one of Eric's many aliases, and was primarily used as a dumping ground for those particularly obstinate vampires that couldn't quite come to grips with vampire laws and the existing hierarchy. The facility had all sorts of nifty equipment including, but not limited to: a sound and magic proof dungeon for vampires who needed a bit more persuasion; an enclosed, solitary room completely remodeled and lined in silver (including the floor); and, a lethal injection chair that stimulated a silver nitrate injection when the silver levels were low in the offender. There was a plethora of other torture devices, and the best part was that it was surrounded by the bayou for easy cleanup.

This was a facility that Eric _allowed _his underlings to know about. How powerful could a vampire really be if his threats were only just talk? This facility was the concrete evidence of what the consequences could be, if one decided to flout the rules.

Pam reached the classroom entrance; in actuality it was one of the milder torture chambers that she had cleaned out for the occasion. She straightened the black frames that sat upon the bridge of her nose, for she was under the impression that glasses made one look more intelligent. She smoothed out her tight black leather skirt in an almost human gesture, tucked her newly written textbook under her arm, and clutched her whip in the other hand before making her grand entrance, fashionably late as always.

As she walked into the room all vampires seemed to straighten their posture and end all conversation abruptly. The only sounds in the room were the clicking of her heels and the rhythmic swishing of her tight skirt with each step she took. Her blonde hair moved fluidly, loose down her back, bobbing as she moved to the podium in the front of the room, placing her book down on the stand.

For the first time she looked at the audience that had been required to attend. Once the marriage law was passed it took almost no effort to convince Eric that an information session was necessary for all vampires. She gleefully offered to take this responsibility off his hands so he could have a night to spend with Sookie and not be weighed down by 'frivolous area business' as she had coined this venture. What she purposely left out of the equation was her need for a few guinea pigs, so she could practice her motivational speaking before she took this seminar national.

She had ten vampires in attendance, including Victor, the current King of Louisiana, Arkansas, and Nevada, and the pathetic Bill Compton who sat directly in front of her in the first row.

The newly enthroned King had been visiting Eric's area and overheard her conversation with Eric as she pleaded her case to hold an information session for area vampires. Surprisingly it was Victor who had actually sealed the deal, convincing Eric that if he wished his bonded to have more of a place in the vampire world, and not just be considered as that of a slave or a common pet beside him, he needed a plan that would bring the two races together. Eric reluctantly agreed, siding with the King, and giving Pam the go-ahead to hold the class.

Victor approached Pam afterwards relaying his desire to attend, explaining that it was his wish to hold such a class in Nevada as well, and even offered her the opportunity to teach it. Pam, ever cautious around the new King, agreed, but with one stipulation: in her classroom he was simply a student and could not interfere in her teaching.

She did not want Victor's power or position interfering in any way of her newly acquired teaching techniques, and truthfully she hoped her stipulation would guarantee his absence. Victor readily agreed leaving Pam even more suspicious of his motives. What would possess a King to relinquish his command for even a few hours?

She walked away from that conversation even more baffled of the man who recently took the throne. Little did Pam know that some reasons were not as complicated or malicious as they seemed. When Victor exited the parking lot of Fangtasia on that night, he flipped open his phone sending a quick text message to the real reason he decided to intervene. Serena, his favorite donor, was as spirited as Sookie, having a burning fire that lit up a room. He had tried everything to make his advances known, but she made it clear that she wanted nothing from him except her weekly paychecks so she could pay her way through college. He longed to have someone like her by his side and hoped that Pamela's class would help him to achieve such a goal.

_Good_, Pam thought as her mind finally returned to her class, _Compton actually sat where he was supposed to_. Her eyes trailed over each vampire, making sure they were all in their assigned seats. _Dear Abby _had suggested to one of her readers that when hosting a banquet, assigned seating and nametags were a good way to avoid unnecessary confusion. She had also left each vampire a sticker to wear that simply stated: _Hello, my name is…._and had written their name in the indicated space. As she scanned the vampires in attendance, all but one wore the nametag. Bill Compton sat in the front row with a smug smile upon his face, gloating over his lack of wearing his sticker. If he thought he could defy Pam in a seemingly inconsequential thing, he thought wrong.

Pam sauntered over to his desk, her heels clicking and her skirt rustling with each step as she moved. She slammed her whip down on his desk missing his finger by mere millimeters, making the desk shake and tremble. The flailing leather tip of the whip barely missed his face, giving off a stinging breeze in the process.

"_Where _is your nametag, Mr. Compton?" she asked in a raised, controlled, but deadly voice, her whip still occupying space on the desk as the end of it grazing the fabric of his plaid farmer's shirt.

"I threw it away," he mumbled, eyes cast downward, the smug expression gone.

"You did _what_, Mr. Compton. I could not _hear _you," she taunted, leaning slightly closer to his face.

"I threw it away," he reaffirmed, a bit louder than the first time, still not meeting her eyes.

"That's what I _thought _you said." She lifted her whip, and spun around, her back to the audience. Bill's terrified expression relaxed as he thought Pam was going to resume her position behind the podium. With each of her steps Bill's expression turned cocky as he looked to each vampire in the room with a pompous sneer. He thought he got away with defying the _Efficiency Expert_, but Pam with her excellent hearing, heard the rebellious murmuring generated by Bill Compton's defiance. He needed to be taught a lesson- a lesson in humility that he evidently hadn't learned even with his loss of Sookie Stackhouse.

With her back still to the waiting vampires, she heard the sounds of tearing as several vampires decided to follow Bill's lead, relieving themselves of their nametags. _That would certainly not do_, Pam thought; _Bill, and the rest of those that think they could oppose me, needed to be put in their proper place_.

Whirling around just as she heard the final removal of a nametag, she moved swiftly cracking her whip on Bill Compton's desk, this time breaking it in half. The pieces crumbled with a loud thunder crack, falling on either side of him, crashing to the floor. His vainglorious smiled melted away as he cowered in his seat while Pam loomed over him menacingly.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Felicia frantically trying to reapply her sticker back onto her blouse, even licking the back of it, trying to make it cohesive. Indira was casually pointing to Victor as he was another offender attempting to reapply his sticker to his suit. Victor turned to Indira mouthing, _I know where you rest_.

Pam felt the power that she held over all in the room and basked in their fear of her. Schooling her features she did not allow her self-satisfaction to show in any form.

Returning her attention to Bill she growled, "How will you _ever _subject yourself to a law when you cannot subject yourself to _me_. Your punishment will be handed down now." Two vampires, Rasul and Jack Daniel flanked Pam and stared down at Bill with hate-filled eyes. To appease Ocella, Eric had given his permission that if any should step out of line they would be given to Alexei to play with. Alexei was a hard vampire to appease because of being turned so young; he craved entertainment as any pre-teenager did, always getting himself into trouble as he accidentally killed his meals. Since the child could not express his wildness in Eric's territory without punishment, he was allowed to amuse himself with vampires that got out of line.

"Bill Compton, you will be sentenced to _detention _for the duration of this seminar and released only when I am satisfied that you have received what you deserve. _Alexei _will keep you company. Take him away!" she ordered with a swift gesture of her hand as Rasul and Jack carted Bill out of the room. "Anyone else?" she asked, finally allowing her eyes to roam the room, meeting the eyes of every vampire in attendance. Her eyes danced with mirth as she noticed several vampires with stickers that were peeling or ones that were hastily put back on in a crooked fashion.

"Let's get down to business. I assume that all of you brought the required textbook, _Ask Pam: A Tried and Tested Guide to Human Vampire Relationships_, and paid the $24.95 for your copy. Do I have all your privacy agreements?" She looked up as every vampire nodded their head vigorously. Pam had the foresight of having each vampire sign a privacy agreement stating that the location and information could not be discussed outside the barriers of the warehouse without severe penalty. The agreement had a twofold purpose: one, guaranteed that vampires could not obtain the information without paying for the class and the other was that so Eric would not be able to find out her true intent- or the contents of her lessons.

Satisfied by the answers she received, she continued, "Good. Let us begin. Turn to Chapter eight, _Foreplay and Peach Cobbler_."

When Sookie and Eric had gone on their date in New Orleans Pam had secretly set up video surveillance, for research purposes, gathering data for the book. It wasn't enough that, with the help of _Dear Abby_, she supplied the information that Eric needed for the date; no, she needed to _see _the results to make _sure _the techniques were successful in their execution.

"Now, _Dear Abby _advises that the icing on the cake for a successful date is to show her, or him that they are respected. How do you show respect to your partner?" A thrill ran through Pam as she finally understood the _human _desire to become a teacher. The power that the teacher held to exact punishment and commanding control was exhilarating.

Pam had done a lot of research on how to be a good teacher and she discovered that the _first _lesson was to _ask questions_.

Maxwell Lee tentatively raised his hand. "Yes Maxwell, do you have a comment?"

"I show my partner respect. I always let her orgasm first," Maxwell Lee explained, seeming quite proud of his declaration.

_Lesson two, a good teacher always praises her students_.

"This is commendable, but it does not fulfill the _human _requirements of my statement."

_Lesson three, a good teacher looks for volunteers._

"Thalia, you will volunteer to read paragraph one."

Thalia began reading, "The icing on the cake for a successful date includes baking ingredients. When your partner sees that you have taken the time to prepare something special, they will initiate sexual encounters with you."

She looked up at Pam shell shocked as she blurted out, "We have to _learn _to bake!" The last time Thalia had _baked _was many centuries ago using a clay oven with an open fire, and the process for a single loaf took many hours.

Pam noticed that Thalia's eyes were scanning for the exits. Instead of reprimanding her for speaking out of turn in the class, she decided to pacify her fears.

"No need to panic; the modern cooking revolution has made it a snap. It is almost as easy as hunting with a fairy blood trail." Pam strutted over to a large box that sat upon a table in the right front corner of the room. She pulled out a Betty Crocker Cake Mix and a pink Easy Bake Oven. Walking back over to her podium she said, "It is all in a box. All you need to do is stir the contents in water and pour it into a pan. The oven does the work. And Thalia, I hope I need to not remind you that speaking without raising your hand will result in _severe _punishment," she ended, giving the vampire a pointed look.

"Now because you are new to perfecting this technique, I cannot expect your first time to be like my Master's, but I will give you a first hand look on the correct implementation of the techniques."

Pam pushed a white-board out of the way to reveal a flat screen television. She extracted the DVD that she had concealed inside her personal copy of her book, because that was a place Eric would never look, and popped it into the player built into the side of the television. She skipped to image number three and hit play.

The scene began with Eric and Sookie in the galley aboard the riverboat on their first official, according to Sookie, date. They observed Sookie slipping an apron over Eric's head and expressing her desire for him to fulfill one of her fantasies with him in the kitchen dressed in only an apron waving a spatula.

Pam paused the video, and relayed her commentary. "Notice the mischievous sparkle in Sookie's eyes when she realizes what he is about to do. Did you not catch her reference to foreplay? See how much easier she will comply with him sexually because of this one act? Imagine what _your _human will let you do to _them _when you complete this course. Let us continue." Pam restarted the DVD for the group.

They observed the couple's idle banter, and Sookie's question about where he learned to cook. When he admitted that he learned from watching Martha Stewart, her whole demeanor changed and the playfulness that graced her features became much warmer, expressing much deeper feelings.

Pam paused the DVD again and said, "Notice her external responses to Eric's words. _Martha Stewart _knows what she's talking about. As homework for this class you are required to watch three hours of _Martha Stewart_ each week and supply a report of your knowledge by E-mail." Pam had learned that a good teacher requires homework from her students to reinforce the lessons learned.

Pam pressed play on her remote controller. The scene took an erotic turn as Eric placed Sookie in front of him, trapping her between the counter and his body. As he gathered the ingredients, he rotated his hips rhythmically; thrusting, kneading, and swirling to the same motions as they stirred the contents in the bowl together. With a critical eye anyone could see Sookie visibly relax and mold herself into his form, moving her body sensually along with his.

The purposeful slip of his tongue brought their experience to a new height when he whispered to her, _"Roll my balls." _The casual word caused a need for clarification as he said, _"Like this. Roll the dough into balls…like so." _He corrected himself as he showed her his meaning, rolling his hips and rotating them into her backside as he gently stroked the balls of dough. The warm blush that spread upon Sookie's face was intoxicating and it was clear from her lack of assistance in kneading, that she want to stroke much more than the dough in Eric's hands.

When he went to wipe his hands clean, Sookie took his fingers into her palm and said, _"Allow me," _as she sucked each finger into her glorious mouth, swirling each digit with her capable tongue. Even through the video feed her tiny sounds of pleasure could be heard as Eric groaned in appreciation.

Pam stopped the DVD just as Eric's lips came crashing down upon Sookie's. Collective groans and gasps came from the now horny vampires who desperately wanted more. Pam knew that it was evil of her to discontinue the video, but Eric and Sookie needed their moment of privacy, plus they didn't actually have sex at that point. There was no reason to let the vampires know that particular detail; if her book was to be a success, the lessons had to work perfectly- damn Sookie for never doing what she was supposed to do. A sexual scene at that point in the date would have made Pam millions.

Pam instructed her class, "Did you observe how Eric used the power of suggestion to get Sookie to stroke_ where _he wanted? Do you see how one act of cooking could turn into a night of passion, having your lover please you over and over for your thoughtfulness? Is not the result worth the few minutes of detestable tenderness and foul smelling food? Now, let us see what happens when she tastes the desert that my Master prepared for her." Pam skipped to scene five on the DVD remote.

The scene began with the waiter bringing Sookie the desert made by Eric on a silver colored platter. She put a delicate bit on her fork and brought the contents to her lips. She moaned with satisfaction, her eyes closed, as she sampled the desert, swirling it in her mouth. Eric whispered to Sookie, _"May I taste." _

Sookie, clearly confused, offered him the fork, which had some of the vampires in the room chuckling. Pam glared at them, slapping her whip down on the podium to maintain order, and they all stilled at once. In the video, Eric did not jest at Sookie's naivety, but simply showed her what he meant by capturing her lips in a searing kiss, tasting the juices upon her lips. He sucked her lower lip gently, savoring the flavor of the sweetness upon her. Pam stopped the DVD.

The vampires grew restless once again, frustrated that Pam stopped the show just before the real action started. Little did they know that Eric and Sookie did not have sex on the riverboat at all. If her audiences knew this simple fact, it would cost her a lot of money. _Better for them to think they fucked like monkeys_, she thought.

"Do you not want these same results? Vampires, do you not want your human begging to be on their knees in front of you stroking your cock with their tongue? Vampiresses, do you not want your human companion lapping up the juices of your sweet pussy? These techniques work and you have been given clear evidence of their success."

Pam couldn't help lick her lips as her own pussy ached for some much needed attention. "Now for the final step, we will practice baking. Everyone line up single file and take an oven and a small box of supplies from the table."

_Lesson four, always maintain order in a classroom. _

As Pam went to her station to set up her area, she once again heard murmuring as soon as her back was turned. She whirled around, whip in hand ready to reprimand the offenders, and as quickly as the murmuring began, it ended. Again she felt the exhilaration of power and briefly wondered if she should adapt a program that would be fitting for school age children.

She could proposition the schools, along with the AVL, and create a version of Affirmative Action that combated the issues of prejudice against vampires. She envisioned herself as the 'Spokespire' (coining a new term) for teachers nationally, instituting her program in high schools around the country. Her seminar could spread globally, reaching to the far corners of the earth. Inspiration for her next book spun in her mind, but Pam's dreams came to a sudden halt as the vampires in front of her were ready for her guidance, looking to be taken to the next level with their human companions.

Pam, of course, was not about to get cake mix all over her Prada leather outfit and motioned for Rasul.

_Lesson number five, use activities to engage students. _

"Now, with Rasul as my assistant, I will show you how simple it is to master cake making. The directions are on the back. I guarantee these instructions are simpler than learning to dismember an enemy in under two minutes. First, empty the contents of the box into a bowl."

_Lesson number six_, _always be aware of what goes on in the classroom_.

Pam motioned for Rasul to complete her instructions. She began circulating around the room.

When she came to Jonathan she had a hard time following lesson number seven, _practice and reinforce, never letting the mistakes of your students be ridiculed or treated negatively_.

She stared at Jonathan's box that he had placed inside the bowl, completely missing the crucial step of opening the box and emptying its contents. Apparently dismembering a body didn't come as naturally as she thought.

Repeating rule number seven in her head like a mantra, she addressed the problem, "I see that it took some a lot longer than others to learn to dismember the enemy. Jonathan, it seems you have missed a step. Rasul demonstrated properly what to do. You need to _open _the box and _pour _the mixture into the bowl, throwing the box away completely. You do not want your human companion eating cardboard. Do you have any idea how bland that will make her blood taste? The after taste alone with haunt your for several nights."

Pam stood by him, coaching him through each step, even helping him locate the trash in the room to throw the box away. She didn't want the box anywhere near him because another misdirection and he might be baking it instead of the cake. The last thing she needed was to have to get rid of a human body due to poisoning.

Pam wandered back to her podium to check her notes for the next set of directions and lesson cues she was supposed to follow in order to be a good teacher. She had Sookie, unaware of the real reason Pam wanted help, assist her in bake a cake earlier in the week so she could foresee any potential flaws in the baking directions.

She ordered the class, "Fill the glass jar with water up to the one cup line, and then pour the water into the mixture." Rasul demonstrated, holding the cup for everyone to see, showing which line was the correct one before he poured the water into the dry mix.

Pam walked around again, pleased to see that everyone seemed to get that direction. Next came the messy part as she instructed the class to take the rubber spatula and stir the mixture, smoothing out all the lumps. Before she was able to express the need to be gentle, the room erupted in a cloud of white smoke as each vampire stirred their mixture to death, putting a whole lot more force into the act of stirring than necessary. Pam looked down at herself and was horrified to discovered that blotches of white powder blanketed her Prada leather skirt, and her Jimmy Choo shoes had droplets of white floury water on them.

"Stop! You. Ruined. My. Shoes!" she screamed, unable to understand why her lessons were not effective, for she had them labeled and numbered on the sheet of paper so she'd get them all right.

She had followed _lesson eight _to the letter, _provide clear tasks and goals, demonstrating when necessary_.

Where did she go wrong? Was it because Rasul was demonstrating the activity and not she?

She decided to try one more time and focused on _lesson nine_ to get her through baking the damn cake, _students learn at different rates and in different ways_.

Taking a deep unnecessary breath, she calmed herself down. It certainly wouldn't look good if everyone in her first class ended up in _detention_. That would not help launch her program on a national scale. She began, slightly calmer, "Now, before you do anything else, let _me _show you the proper way to stir."

She grabbed the spatula, covered in globules of flour, from Rasul's hand and began to stir, swirling the rubber edges around the mixture, first going one way and then the other. She worked up a pattern and expressed, "Take your time. Be gentle; think of your lover between your thighs and the bowl, just like you saw on the video. Rotate your hips to the motion of your movements, creating your own sensual rhythm. Feel the current, create friction between you and your lover, and thrust into her or his backside."

Pam had closed her eyes to feel her movements as she explained exactly what was to be done. In her trancelike state she could hear heated moans from the other vampires. She opened her eyes to see many of them caressing the bowl and rubbing their sensitive areas on the desks in front of them. If she didn't move on to the next direction, she feared an orgy would erupt and she'd never get to finish her practice seminar.

"Alright," she started, interrupting the lusty calling of her audience. "Now, we pour the smooth mixture _gently _into the pan. Watch me first." She scooped along the sides of the bowl guiding the mixture into the pan, making sure she got every last drop. She motioned for everyone to follow her lead. "See, it is as simple as the act of glamouring an unsuspecting human." The moment that the words left Pam's mouth she realized that sometimes glamouring wasn't so easy- take Sookie Stackhouse for example.

Once that was done without incident she explained the final step.

"Finally, we turn our ovens on, pre-heating them to a temperature of three hundred seventy-five degrees Fahrenheit." Pam turned the dial on her pink oven to the right temperature and said, "Now we put the cake in the oven."

Felicia waved her hand in the air wildly, trying to get Pam's attention.

"Yes Felicia, you may answer," she stated proudly as one of her pupils _finally _followed directions. Whoever said that vampires were slow to change had no idea of the truth of that statement.

"I'm three hundred and seventy-five, so does that mean the temperature is always the same as my age?" Felicia asked, as excitedly as if someone just told her she could spend an hour torturing Steve Newlin.

Pam, remembering lesson seven, tried to contain her laugher over the convoluted question. Taking a deep unnecessary breath she answered, "No, the temperature is always three hundred seventy-five, regardless of what age you turn." She couldn't help, but add regardless of her lessons, "The world does not revolve around you."

Bubba raised his hand, providing a needed distraction from Felicia's question.

"Yes Bubba?"

"Miss Pam, will I burn up if I touch the oven?" he drawled, obviously concerned over his survival.

"No Bubba. The oven is hot, but you will not burn up if you accidentally touch it. It is as easy as kicking the vermin clear across the floor at Fangtasia." The air in the room simmered down as the vampires relaxed at her words, for they all (maybe except Bubba) had kicked the vermin before.

Pam watched as the vampires placed their cakes in the oven. She set the timer and explained that the cake needed to stay in the oven for thirty minutes with the door closed.

Then, she looked down and remembered the damage to her shoes and outfit. In a cold, calculated voice she demanded, "Because of the additional expense of my ruined Prada outfit and Jimmy Choo shoes, and along with the exclusive video that you viewed, I have decided that this seminar incurred additional costs to all of you. I expect an additional payment of five hundred dollars from each of you by dawn tomorrow."

The vampires looked between one another, but not one of them questioned her. All were smart enough to keep quiet, not uttering a sound.

_30 minutes later_

Pam's teaching research had taught her that a recess was in order so the students could burn off excess energy. She decided to give the vampires a short break and ushered in live donors so they could feed and fuck, expelling some of their pent up frustration as they waited for the cakes in the oven. The biggest advantage was that they would all not only partake in pleasure, but have humans to take the cakes (and the stench) home. It would also give Pam another opportunity to demonstrate the value of the cake (and her program) by having the humans take a bite.

Though she had clearly instructed the vampires to keep the oven closed, she couldn't help but catch Victor several times opening the oven door to peer at his cake. She reprimanded him with a slap to his wrist with her whip because Sookie had told her that the cake would not bake properly if the door to the oven opened, exposing the mixture to changes in temperature. At one point she lost track of Victor, but she decided not to worry because she knew where to find him if she didn't receive his payment for the class.

When the thirty minutes were just about up she instructed everyone to take their seats. Some of the humans had pulled up chairs next to the vampires, and a few others forewent the chair completely and opted for a lap.

Pam had taken her new toy on her lap and was petting her like the nice little lap dog she was. Even though Pam was selling words of _respect _and _equality _toward ones human companion, it didn't mean that she would abide by that philosophy herself. Pam was a very shrewd business woman and knew how to capitalize on a market when there was money to be made. Plus, she was intrigued by the outlandish idea because it gave her hours of amusement, relentlessly teasing her master of his behavior towards Sookie.

Though she liked Sookie, she still wasn't sold herself on equality with a human, but that didn't mean she wasn't willing to sell the idea to others. They were food for god's sake? Did a human become best friends and stroke their fish tenderly before they ate it? Absolutely not, but Pam would keep these ideas to herself so she wouldn't lose a dime in profits.

When the buzzer dinged and it was time to remove the cakes, she instructed everyone to use an oven mitt before taking the cake out. She glanced over at the vampires to make sure everyone was in sync when she noticed Victor had returned from wherever the hell he had been.

Pam walked around the room admiring the cakes of all in attendance. But when she got to Victor, his cake suspiciously looked different from everyone else's.

"You Majesty, is this the cake that the class baked?"

"Why wouldn't it be Miss Ravenscroft?"

She eyed his cake again before saying, "Victor, I was not born in this century. Where did this cake come from?"

"From a baking mix of course," he replied innocently with a shrug of his shoulders.

"If it came from this oven, how do you explain the fact that the cake went into the oven vanilla and came out chocolate?" she asked with a sneer, knowing that her question caught whatever lie he was trying to hide.

Victor realized that he'd been caught, the grocery store only had chocolate cake left at that time of night, so he had to pray that Pam would not notice. Shuffled his feet back and forth, he bent down in resignation and retrieved something hidden under the desk. In his hands was a cake that had the entire center deflated in the middle. Pam gasped in surprised, never having seen a cake 'fall' before, but Sookie had warned her that they could if the right temperature wasn't kept during the cooking process.

"My cake _died_," he whined, looking forlornly at his battered creation. "I could not fail at this task. I am King of three states, but I could not bake a damn cake. I went to the store and bought a replacement. _That _was less painful than baking this monstrosity," he stated, pointing to his collapsed cake as if it were a heathen enemy ripe for the slaughter.

Pam was speechless, unsure of what to say to the new King. Remembering her lessons she answered, "Practice makes perfect your Majesty. Not everyone will get it right the first time. This is why I gave the warnings; next time remember that if you want to kill a cake, open the oven." Pam pictured the cake oozing with blood red icing and shook her head in exasperation at the group of worthless vampires. It did give her a new intriguing idea as Fangtasia was looking into selling a few food items to keep the blood bags there longer. This idea wasn't popular among the vampires because of the smell that the human food would bring into the establishment, especially since they already dealt with the stench of drunken vermin.

Turning to the rest of the vampires she said, "_Heed _my warnings. This is what happens if you look at a cake while it bakes- it _dies_." She held up the inedible sunken cake, showing her students the results. Several of the vampires gasped at the horror that Pam held in her clutches. Felicia threw her hand over her heart as if she suffered genuine pain from seeing such an atrocity.

"Will you set up a _private _baking session with me, Pamela?" the King asked with a leer, recapturing her attention.

"If that is your wish, Your Majesty," she stated quietly. Pam was an intelligent creature and knew when to not defy the King. Even so, she couldn't help herself from adding, "Though I do hope your other skills surpass those of your baking talents." She sauntered back to the podium with the finally dead cake in her hand. Too bad she didn't have the blood red icing!

The humans provided were good consorts for the cause, allowing the vampires to test Eric's moves as they iced the cakes together. Pam's attitude had lightened significantly as a leggy, buxom, blonde assisted her with her cake. Pam finally understood the hoopla as she cradled her thighs around the human creating friction. Each swift motion of spreading the frosting allowed Pam a synchronized rotation of her hip. Frosting the cake was over way too quickly and she couldn't wait to get home to continue that activity.

Wrapping up the session, before she incited an orgy, she collected the remaining fees, leaving cleanup for another flunky. "Our next session with be in two weeks from tonight," she informed the class. "The session will explore chapter five, _Expressing Yourself with Flowers_. It is required that you study ahead and do not forget your _Martha Stewart _reports. Failing to complete the required assignments will give you a direct pass to _detention_. Do not try to make excuses not to attend; missed classes will result in being locked in the silver panic room for three nights."

Leaving the building, she showed her human to the car. Pam enjoyed being able to 'kill two birds with one rock', as the human saying went, looking down at her leather dominatrix outfit. _This is turning out to be a great night_, she thought to herself.

The class had given her the ability to make an obscenely amount of money, secretly torment her pussy-whipped Master, _and _take advantage of torturing any vampire that didn't follow her command. The evening would end with her practicing a few new flogging techniques on her new, voluptuous, pet. Looking over at the girl she thought to herself, _I may just keep this one. I could make so much more money if I appeared to be putting the techniques into practice. I could even stage new scenes for the video footage. _Life was looking up for Pam, all of her favorite pastimes were all wrapped up in a pretty pink bow.

Suddenly she realized that, in her excitement to get home to satisfy her needs, she had forgotten to do something important. She reentered the building, and instead of walking down the main corridor, turned right.

In the _ten _teaching lessons she had learned, she had left out the most important one- _a good teacher is a great listener_.

As she opened the door in front of her a devious smile rose to her lips as she _listened _to the screams of Bill Compton. _This is my favorite lesson of all_, she thought to herself as she entered the room to see how Alexei had decided to amuse himself for the evening at the expense of William Compton.

**A/N: Thank you for taking the time to review my contest entry. Please press the little green button and show me some love. **


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